story writing - 2

princess becca · 03-14-2013

second chapters up This time I used spell check and grammar check too
also what cat girl?

Posted by Pazx

Hello becca I did a thing called proof-reading, I would recommend it along with the use of proper grammar.

Spoiler

(btw its 3am excuse the grammatical errors because i know ther'eresrerser a few)
yoru dosent mew and its nya!
also for the love of jesus christ himself dont you dare write another nya or i will cut your catgirl's ears tail and tongue off and feed them to my dog

Pazx · 03-14-2013

I made you a list of all the things you're missing

:
;
,
.
"
'
CAPITAL LETTERS

But, it's getting better

princess becca · 03-14-2013

when you read it try posting a revew through the review box so i know you read it and put your graal name also in the review

Sup3rn00b · 03-15-2013

The story need more stuff. just add everything you can think of.

Blueh · 03-15-2013

Quick update: I'm almost done revising your story, it should be posted in a half hour or an hour; I haven't had much time to work on it. Also I changed it from script form to a traditional story narrative. By the time I'm done, it'll look more as if you were reading a page from a novel instead of a play script. For the sake of preserving the actual story, I've only altered the dialogue to correct spelling and grammatical errors. However, I did add in some extra detail to the narration to go along with the dialogue.

Edit: All done! Hopefully this is much easier to read and follow along to.

Spoiler

"Hi everybody!" said ILF and Rosie cheerfully to their audience.
"I'm ILF," she introduced herself. "I'm not going to say what it stands for, but this is my first fanfiction."
Rosie smiled. "I'm Rosie, short for RoiseRedApple99; I'm co-writing ILF's story," said Roise.
"I only heard that we were working for ILF?" asked Ikuto. "The big question everyone would like to know-" he paused to face Yoru. "Yoru, ask her." "Why me?" "Do it," he insisted.
Rosie's cheeked flushed with anger. "First off," she began. "I'm writing the story whether you like it or not, Catboy!" she exclaimed. "And if you're asking her about what ILF stands for; that is for me to know, and for you not to find out."
Ikuto lit up with fury. "Catboy!?" he shouted. "Did you just call me 'Catboy'? I'm not a Catboy!"
Ran sheepishly gazed at the floor silently. "Actually, you ar--," he cut himself off, embarrassed.
"O.K. that's enough from all of you," said ILF.*Rosie glared back at Ikuto. "Yes, I did call you 'Catboy'. You got a problem with tha-AAAAARRGGGH!" Amu yanked Rosie's hair. "Don't call Ikuto that!"*
"Will somebody do the disclaimer before I claw a certain somebody's face off?" Ikuto said, annoyed. "-and what was she gonna' call me?"
Rosie teased Ikuto, "Gotta' catch me first, and I have nunchuks!" Rosie giggled.
"ILF does not own Shugo Chara, and a certain somebody was not hurt on this dialogue," Dia interrupted out from nowhere.
Ikuto shot Rosie a menacing look. "But maybe in the end," he antagonized.
ILF gawked towards the audience. "Um...O.K." she stuttered. "Let's get to the story."

"Ikuto-Nya, Ikuto-Nya! You gotta get up! Nya!" Yoru spoke in a hushed, commanding tone.
Ikuto remained stiff as a rock. "Yoru, shut up I'm trying to sleep," he mumbled lethargically.
"IKUTO-NYA," Yoru roared. "I'm gonna get Utau if you don't get up!" she warned him.
"Whatever," he replied as he rolled over. "Get Utau- wait," he suddenly snapped out of realization. "What! Okay I'm up!" Ikuto cried.
"That's more like it, Nya," Yoru said proudly. Feeling accomplished after finally waking him up. "We should get out of here before Utau comes and gets us," continued Yoru. She had anticipated a plan to surprise her friends. Now that Ikuto was awake, they could begin. Until suddenly, Ikuto spontaneously hurled himself for the window. Plummeting himself towards the ground below.

"There will be more to come of this tale soon!" said Ikuto. "Please, rest and relax."
"If a lot of people enjoyed it, then there will be an Amuto scene!" Amu chimed in.
Rosie swirved around her confused. "Where's ILF?"
"I'm right here!" she shouted. "Also, readers if you have an idea that you think will make the story better; please, P.M. me!"

Pazx · 03-15-2013

****ing hell blueh all my work for nothing now

Blueh · 03-15-2013

Hehe I'm an Arthur ;D

Pazx · 03-15-2013

you write gay one direction fanfic i've seen it

Blueh · 03-15-2013

Posted by Pazx

you write gay one direction fanfic i've seen it

Psshh. You act like you didn't enjoy it.

Talon · 03-15-2013

Posted by Pazx

you write gay one direction fanfic i've seen it

lol'd

Posted by Pazx

Hello becca I did a thing called proof-reading, I would recommend it along with the use of proper grammar.

Spoiler

(btw its 3am excuse the grammatical errors because i know ther'eresrerser a few)

also for the love of jesus christ himself dont you dare write another nya or i will cut your catgirl's ears tail and tongue off and feed them to my dog

That's Yoru's "sentence signature" for lack of a better word. But if you want to you can cut off the catgirl's ears and feed them to me

Talon · 03-15-2013

Posted by Blueh

Psshh. You act like you didn't enjoy it.

I enjoyed it. I'm your biggest fan.

Tupper Trenine · 03-15-2013

Whew, jeez. Either you're 0/10 or you're actually writing this stuff intentionally--No offense.

Either way, some (starting) pointers:

- The way you're formatting your story is weird and awkward. Don't write it like a play with charactername:"dialogue" actions or whatever. If you're going to write fiction, do it like a book. It is a lot more readable.

- There's not much need for the 'nyas' or various other anime-isms. I mean, I guess I'm pushing it asking for this in something that's anime fanfiction, but... still. There's more creative ways to approach a personality like this... cat-girl thing.

- I'm assuming this stuff is fanfiction. Have you ever tried writing original content, 100%? Give it a shot, even if you think you can't do it. You'd be surprised.

princess becca · 03-15-2013

Posted by Blueh

Quick update: I'm almost done revising your story, it should be posted in a half hour or an hour; I haven't had much time to work on it. Also I changed it from script form to a traditional story narrative. By the time I'm done, it'll look more as if you were reading a page from a novel instead of a play script. For the sake of preserving the actual story, I've only altered the dialogue to correct spelling and grammatical errors. However, I did add in some extra detail to the narration to go along with the dialogue.

Edit: All done! Hopefully this is much easier to read and follow along to.

Spoiler

"Hi everybody!" said ILF and Rosie cheerfully to their audience.
"I'm ILF," she introduced herself. "I'm not going to say what it stands for, but this is my first fanfiction."
Rosie smiled. "I'm Rosie, short for RoiseRedApple99; I'm co-writing ILF's story," said Roise.
"I only heard that we were working for ILF?" asked Ikuto. "The big question everyone would like to know-" he paused to face Yoru. "Yoru, ask her." "Why me?" "Do it," he insisted.
Rosie's cheeked flushed with anger. "First off," she began. "I'm writing the story whether you like it or not, Catboy!" she exclaimed. "And if you're asking her about what ILF stands for; that is for me to know, and for you not to find out."
Ikuto lit up with fury. "Catboy!?" he shouted. "Did you just call me 'Catboy'? I'm not a Catboy!"
Ran sheepishly gazed at the floor silently. "Actually, you ar--," he cut himself off, embarrassed.
"O.K. that's enough from all of you," said ILF.*Rosie glared back at Ikuto. "Yes, I did call you 'Catboy'. You got a problem with tha-AAAAARRGGGH!" Amu yanked Rosie's hair. "Don't call Ikuto that!"*
"Will somebody do the disclaimer before I claw a certain somebody's face off?" Ikuto said, annoyed. "-and what was she gonna' call me?"
Rosie teased Ikuto, "Gotta' catch me first, and I have nunchuks!" Rosie giggled.
"ILF does not own Shugo Chara, and a certain somebody was not hurt on this dialogue," Dia interrupted out from nowhere.
Ikuto shot Rosie a menacing look. "But maybe in the end," he antagonized.
ILF gawked towards the audience. "Um...O.K." she stuttered. "Let's get to the story."

"Ikuto-Nya, Ikuto-Nya! You gotta get up! Nya!" Yoru spoke in a hushed, commanding tone.
Ikuto remained stiff as a rock. "Yoru, shut up I'm trying to sleep," he mumbled lethargically.
"IKUTO-NYA," Yoru roared. "I'm gonna get Utau if you don't get up!" she warned him.
"Whatever," he replied as he rolled over. "Get Utau- wait," he suddenly snapped out of realization. "What! Okay I'm up!" Ikuto cried.
"That's more like it, Nya," Yoru said proudly. Feeling accomplished after finally waking him up. "We should get out of here before Utau comes and gets us," continued Yoru. She had anticipated a plan to surprise her friends. Now that Ikuto was awake, they could begin. Until suddenly, Ikuto spontaneously hurled himself for the window. Plummeting himself towards the ground below.

"There will be more to come of this tale soon!" said Ikuto. "Please, rest and relax."
"If a lot of people enjoyed it, then there will be an Amuto scene!" Amu chimed in.
Rosie swirved around her confused. "Where's ILF?"
"I'm right here!" she shouted. "Also, readers if you have an idea that you think will make the story better; please, P.M. me!"

you just made the dialouge longer than it was and yoru is a guy and Ikuto jumped out the window try watching the anime

Posted by Tupper Trenine

Whew, jeez. Either you're 0/10 or you're actually writing this stuff intentionally--No offense.

Either way, some (starting) pointers:

- The way you're formatting your story is weird and awkward. Don't write it like a play with charactername:"dialogue" actions or whatever. If you're going to write fiction, do it like a book. It is a lot more readable.

- There's not much need for the 'nyas' or various other anime-isms. I mean, I guess I'm pushing it asking for this in something that's anime fanfiction, but... still. There's more creative ways to approach a personality like this... cat-girl thing.

- I'm assuming this stuff is fanfiction. Have you ever tried writing original content, 100%? Give it a shot, even if you think you can't do it. You'd be surprised.

its a fanfiction it is based off a anime/manga!

the 3rd chapter is posted

Blueh · 03-15-2013

Nothing wrong with a little extra detail

. I just put the story in proper narrative format and tried to make it easier to understand for the reader. Adding detail is crucial to the story. It makes it more interesting to read if done correctly. Too little detail, and the story is bland and unexciting. Too much detail and the story just becomes so painfully long it gets annoying (see the article I posted on the first page for examples). I'll add a list of basic descriptive adjectives you can play aroud with later.

Also I didn't really know Yoru was a guy lol. I don't watch anime, or TV in general. But, it is your story; ergo, your responsibility to write

Edit: Ikuto did jump out the window in my revision. I stuck to what you previously had and just changed a few verbs and added a few adjectives.

Blueh · 03-15-2013

Here's a list of basic adjectives used for the senses and movements. Albeit they aren't my 'style' of vocabulary to use (I prefer more of the bizarre, hardly used words over anything), they are a very good list of words to choose from. And you shouldn't have any trouble figuring out their meanings or what they're used for. I'm doing this because no one did this for me when I first started like...a year ago maybe? But hopefully you'll find these to be helpful when you cannot think of any words to use.

Adjectives
---

Movement (Fast)

Spoiler

Movement (Slow)

Spoiler

Touch and Feel

Spoiler

Taste

Spoiler

Smell

Spoiler

Hearing (Soft Sounds)

Spoiler

Hearing (Loud Sounds)

Spoiler

03-15-2013	30
Blueh The Orator Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Yes Posts: 3,307	Here's a list of basic adjectives used for the senses and movements. Albeit they aren't my 'style' of vocabulary to use (I prefer more of the bizarre, hardly used words over anything), they are a very good list of words to choose from. And you shouldn't have any trouble figuring out their meanings or what they're used for. I'm doing this because no one did this for me when I first started like...a year ago maybe? But hopefully you'll find these to be helpful when you cannot think of any words to use. Adjectives --- Movement (Fast) Spoiler bolt bounce careen chase dart dash drive drop flee flick fly gallop hope hurl hurry lift odorous plummet plunge propel race ram run rush sail scamper scramble scurry shove skip smash soar speed spin spring sprint streak stride swat swerve swing swoop trot whisk zip zoom Movement (Slow) Spoiler amble bend crawl creep drag drift droop edge heave loiter lumber plod saunter slink slouch sneak stagger stalk stray stroll swagger sway tiptoe waddle Touch and Feel Spoiler cold cool crisp damp dry dull elastic explode feathery firm fishy fleshy fragile furry fuzzy gritty hairy hard hot icy leathery lukewarm moist oily pebbly prickly pulpy rough rubbery sandy satiny sharp silky slimy slippery smooth soft spongy steamy sticky stuccoed tacky tender tepid textured thick thin tough velvety warm waxy wet wooly Taste Spoiler alkaline bitter bittersweet bland burnt buttery crisp fishy fruity gingery hearty hot mellow oily oily overripe peppery raw ripe salty sour spicy spoiled sugary sweet tangy medicinal tasteless unripe vinegary Smell Spoiler acidy acrid aromatic balmy briny burnt damp dank earthy fishy fragrant fresh gamy gaseous mildewed moldy musty perfumed piney pungent putrid rancid reek rotten savory scented sharp sickly sour spicy spoiled stagnant stench sweet tempting Hearing (Soft Sounds) Spoiler buzz chime clink crackle faint gurgle harmony (musical) hiss hum hush inaudible lilting melody murmur mute mutter patter peep purr rush rustle sigh snap speechless still swish tinkle twitter whir whisper zing Hearing (Loud Sounds) Spoiler bang bark bedlam blare bleat bluster boom brawl bray bump caterwaul clamor clap clash crash deafening din discord earsplitting grate hubbub jangle noise pandemonium piercing racket rage rasp raucous riot roar rowdy rumble scream screech shout slam smash squawk stamp stomp thud thump thunder tumult whine whistle yell

03-14-2013	17
Pazx amateur gay Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Australia Posts: 3,372	I made you a list of all the things you're missing : ; , . " ' CAPITAL LETTERS But, it's getting better

03-14-2013	18
princess becca I'm moon now (she/they) Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: literally in the middle of nowhere Posts: 1,511	when you read it try posting a revew through the review box so i know you read it and put your graal name also in the review

03-15-2013	19
Sup3rn00b Unpopular Join Date: May 2012 Location: ಠ_ಠ Posts: 2,648	The story need more stuff. just add everything you can think of.

03-15-2013	27
Tupper Trenine Registered User Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 7	Whew, jeez. Either you're 0/10 or you're actually writing this stuff intentionally--No offense. Either way, some (starting) pointers: - The way you're formatting your story is weird and awkward. Don't write it like a play with charactername:"dialogue" actions or whatever. If you're going to write fiction, do it like a book. It is a lot more readable. - There's not much need for the 'nyas' or various other anime-isms. I mean, I guess I'm pushing it asking for this in something that's anime fanfiction, but... still. There's more creative ways to approach a personality like this... cat-girl thing. - I'm assuming this stuff is fanfiction. Have you ever tried writing original content, 100%? Give it a shot, even if you think you can't do it. You'd be surprised.