i am writing a shugo chara fanfic and because you people are soo good at giving constructive criticisim will some of you read the story i am writing and review it the 1st chapter is posted at this link http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9095813/...er-amuto-story  

I'm confused, was that the story? Or was that a log (check the logs!) between you and another collaborator who was helping you with the story? Regardless, you need to work more on capitalization of the first words in sentences. Also i'm -> I'm. You also need to use quotation marks when quoting what a character says. Example: "This is an example," said The Orator.

This felt more like a script versus an actual story. A story does not have to directly tell the audience who is speaking, or can give context clues as to who it may have been. In script form, others can jump in at any given time without any introduction at all. I'll try and see if I can revise later it to show you what I mean.  

Here's my own Shugo Chara story. Hope you enjoy actually put effort into this.

It was February 14th, Valentines days, and Amu decided to pronounce her love to Ikuto then King this year. She waited for Ikuto out at the gate of his High School, as her gaurdian characters are chanting her on. It's snowing outside and Amu is in her coat patiently waiting with a bag of cookies in her hand. The bell struck 4 and all the High Schoolers rushed out of the building. She saw Ikuto walking out, but he was surrounded by other girls from his school. This had disapointed her, then Ikuto noticed Amu. As their eyes met Amu started blushing a little. She ran up to Ikuto and forcefully gave him the cookies.
"I-it's not like I like you or anything. It's just thanks for helping me all the time," she spoke looking off to the side.
Ikuto then giggled and said, "A Tsundere act doesn't really fit my dear Amu." Amu looked back to her Characters as they gave her a thumbs up.
She gathered all her strength and spoke it a proud voice, "I-I really like you Ikuto," she was acting shy as she said that.
Ikuto then thought for awhile and replied, "Sorry, I like girls who are like me, Cat eared people. I give all my love to Azunyan from K-on."
 

Lol k-on is a bad anime and you should feel bad for liking it.  

Posted by DragonRider

Lol k-on is a bad anime and you should feel bad for liking it.

Gj  

shoe-go karma is way too fluffy of an amine.  

Here's something to keep in mind when writing. I did not write this article, but I do find it very informative and should be something writers refer to when writing their stories. Prepare for wall of text in 3...2...1....

Spoiler

On Characters
Appearance
Humans crave beauty, we might as well admit it right off the bat to avoid extensive arguments about this topic. Some “experts” suggests that the physical appearance of your fictional character is superfluous—the actions of your character being the primary characterization—whereas others maintain the opposite. However, there is one aspect that is unanimous: visualization. “A picture says more than a thousand words,” this is something that we are going to live by in this article. In an amateur writing environment with thousands of people, nobody is going to remember your nine-hundred word description of your character’s physical appearance—you are too unimportant for this kind of commitment. In Seth Macfarlane’s film Ted, the narrator makes a humorous remark about basic human mentality: “No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a ****.” In short, use pictures for your characters! No matter if anyone wants to admit it or not, a picture will greatly improve your chances of being remembered by other participants in a role-play. However, make sure to put effort into presenting your character’s picture properly, by editing and respecting the theme of the role-play; for example, if the role-play is not advertised as an anime game, then you should not use an anime picture for your character.

Personality & Background
As mentioned in the Appearance section, some suggests that “the actions of a person is the strongest form of characterization,” not who they say they are. However, as we are dealing with fictional characters we must know the basics of who they are—otherwise we will just end up portraying ourselves. Forget about trivial details, you will never remember them and a personality is too dynamic to be set in stone. Think about basic concepts such as temperament, moral beliefs, political stance, habits, fears, short-/long term goals, and dreams to form an archetype for your character. Once you have your archetype in place—the “lone wolf” for example—you will have a basic template of how your character will/should react to any given situation and still keep the dynamics of a personality.

The background story for a character can be tricky when the creator of a role-play has not given ample information about the world in which it is set, and even if there is enough information about the world it might not be as easy as one might think. Therefore, in this article we will look to another solution. Consider telling a story about your character, rather than just listing prior events in your character’s life; it will most certainly involve important personality traits, significant historical events, and relevant information about your character that tells us who he or she is on a three-dimensional level.

Consistency & Authenticity
Be consistent in the parameters that you create for your character—“stick to the script” so to speak. If your character is the “lone wolf”-type, then do not instantly or gradually change into another distinct archetype; this is “character derailment”. Your character should always “grow” and fulfill his “character arc” throughout the story, but if this change is too significant the other participants may not recognize your character. This goes hand-in-hand with your character’s “authenticity”. Make sure that you can justify the parameters that you have created for your character. If the role-play is set in a traditional Western with horses and vintage weapons, then your character should not ride a cow from space or wield plasma-powered pulse canons—unless of course you can justify it somehow. However, in a collaborative writing effort it can appear disrespectful to the creator of the role-play if you venture too far away from the original setting with your character concept.

Threat & Conflict
One of the most important aspects of a character that makes it interesting is the notion of a threat, conflict, threat of conflict, or a threat and a conflict together. Even the most infinite of characters—God—has this basic layout; there is the conflict between good and evil, the threat of losing the conflict, and there was the threat of the Fall of Man. Prior to all of this God was simply a King without an enemy, without a threat or conflict, i.e., there is no story to tell. Whether the threat or conflict is external or internal, it must be the most fundamental part of your character.

Character Arc
In a nutshell, the character arc is a change of viewpoint throughout the story. Characters begin the story with a certain viewpoint and through events in the story that viewpoint changes. For example, Michael ******** in The Godfather—at first—does not want to have anything to do with his father’s crime business. When his father is attacked and barely survives, Michael begins a war of retribution on those responsible. This development, effectively and ironically, sets him down the path to becoming the head of this father’s crime syndicate. This is a character arc, contrary to character derailment which changes the character’s personality in an illogical manner. However, in a role-play it might be difficult to maintain a character arc as you are not the author of the story. In this case, you can develop a character arc based on your character’s background. A tragic event in your character’s life is a good reference point; then your viewpoint of the world, other people, and the tragedy will change as the story unfolds. It is the creator of the role-play’s duty to make the story consider your individual predicament, and how it can affect all characters down the road.


On Writing

Be clear
Clarity, clarity, clarity! When you become hopelessly mired in a sentence, it is best to start fresh; do not try to fight your way through against the terrible odds of syntax. Usually what is wrong is that the construction has become too involved at some point; the sentence needs to be broken apart and replaced by two or more shorter sentences. Writing is a craftsmanship, laying bricks in the constructing of a house; the completed work is the art, not the tools you use.

Nouns & Verbs
Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. This is not to disparage adjectives and adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech and poetry. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give good writing its toughness and color.*

Revise & Rewrite
Revising is part of writing. Few writers are so expert that they can produce what they are after on the first try. Quite often you will discover, on examining the completed work, that there are serious flaws in the arrangement of the material. Remember, it is no sign of weakness or defeat that your text ends up in need of major surgery. This is a common occurrence in all writing, and among the best writers.

Do not overwrite
Rich, ornate prose is hard to digest, generally unwholesome, and sometimes nauseating. When writing with a computer, you must guard against wordiness. The click and flow of a word processor can be seductive, and you may find yourself adding a few unnecessary words or even a whole passage just to experience the pleasure of running your fingers over the keyboard and watching your words appear on the screen. It is always a good idea to reread your writing later and ruthlessly delete the excess.

Avoid the use of qualifiers
Rather, very, little, pretty—these are the leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words. The constant use of the adjective little (except to indicate size) is particularly debilitating; we should all try to do a little better, we should all be very watchful of this rule, for it is a rather important one, and we are pretty sure to violate it now and then.

Do not explain too much
It is seldom advisable to tell all. Be sparing in the use of adverbs after “he said” or “she replied” and the like: “he said surprisingly”; “she replied cautiously.” Dialogue heavily weighted with adverbs after the attributive verb is cluttery and annoying.

Put statements in positive form
Make definite assertions. Avoid tame, colorless, hesitating, noncommittal language. Use the word not as a means of denial or in antithesis, never as a means of evasion. Consciously or unconsciously, the reader is dissatisfied with being told only what is not; the reader wishes to be told what is. Hence, as a rule, it is better to express even a negative in positive form.

“He was not very often on time.”——“He usually came late.”
“She did not think studying Latin was much use.” ——“He thought the study of Latin useless.”
“Not honest” ——“Dishonest”
“Not important” ——“Trifling”
“Did not remember” ——“Forgot”
“Did not pay attention to” ——“Ignored”

Use definite, specific, concrete language*
Prefer the specific to the general, the definite to the vague, and the concrete to the abstract. The surest way to arouse and hold the reader's attention is by being specific, definite, and concrete. The greatest writers Homer, Dante, Shakespeare—are effective largely because they deal in particulars and report the details that matter. Their words call up pictures; they form a meeting of minds where the reader is as much of an artist as the writer.
“A period of unfavorable weather set in.”——“It rained every day for a week.”
“He showed satisfaction as he took possession of his well-earned reward.”——“He grinned as he pocketed the coin.”

Omit needless words
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should not contain unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that drawings should have no unnecessary lines and machines no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all sentences short, or avoid all detail and treat subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
“he is a man who”——“he”
“in a hasty manner”——“hastily”
“this is a subject that”——“this subject”
“Her story is a strange one”——“Her story”

The fact that is an especially debilitating expression. It should be revised out of every sentence in which it occurs.
“owing to the fact that”——“since (because)”
“in spite of the fact that”——“”though (although)”
“I was unaware of the fact that”——“I was unaware that”

Who is, which, was, and the like are often superfluous.
“His cousin, who is a member of the firm”——“His cousin, a member of the firm”
“Ragnarök, which was Odin’s last battle”——“Ragnarök, Odin’s last battle”

 

I'm ashamed to say I used to watch SC.

But it was a long time ago.  

Posted by Talon

I'm ashamed to say I used to watch SC.

But it was a long time ago.

My sister gave me a summary of what she watched.

Something with eggs, and faries, and an evil boy who turns good at the flick of a switch. It sounded really weird.  

Posted by princess becca

i am writing a shugo chara fanfic and because you people are soo good at giving constructive criticisim will some of you read the story i am writing and review it the 1st chapter is posted at this link http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9095813/...er-amuto-story

Posted by Killua*

Here's my own Shugo Chara story. Hope you enjoy actually put effort into this.

It was February 14th, Valentines days, and Amu decided to pronounce her love to Ikuto then King this year. She waited for Ikuto out at the gate of his High School, as her gaurdian characters are chanting her on. It's snowing outside and Amu is in her coat patiently waiting with a bag of cookies in her hand. The bell struck 4 and all the High Schoolers rushed out of the building. She saw Ikuto walking out, but he was surrounded by other girls from his school. This had disapointed her, then Ikuto noticed Amu. As their eyes met Amu started blushing a little. She ran up to Ikuto and forcefully gave him the cookies.
"I-it's not like I like you or anything. It's just thanks for helping me all the time," she spoke looking off to the side.
Ikuto then giggled and said, "A Tsundere act doesn't really fit my dear Amu." Amu looked back to her Characters as they gave her a thumbs up.
She gathered all her strength and spoke it a proud voice, "I-I really like you Ikuto," she was acting shy as she said that.
Ikuto then thought for awhile and replied, "Sorry, I like girls who are like me, Cat eared people. I give all my love to Azunyan from K-on."

Both of your fanfics are bad and you should feel bad.  

One day boy was born

Boy die the end  

look its not very good and the story is the paragraph after the long conversation between the co-writers and the shugo chara cast i am going to post chapter 2 soon and it is better than the 1st  

Wonderful.  

talkng about the story?  

Hello becca I did a thing called proof-reading, I would recommend it along with the use of proper grammar.

Spoiler

"Ikuto-Nyaa, Ikuto-Nyaa! You gotta get up" Yoru exclaimed
"Shut up Yoru, I'm trying to sleep"
"Ikuto! Nya, I'm gonna get Utau if you don't get up!"
"Whatever," Ikuto mumbled as he rolled over. "Get Utau... Utau!" He stammers as he sits up, "Okay, I'm up!"
"That's more like it" Yoru mewed anxiously. "We should get out of here before Utau comes and gets us."
As Ikuto dressed, Yoru sat in anticipation of the surprise they had planned for their friends before the two leapt out of the window.

(btw its 3am excuse the grammatical errors because i know ther'eresrerser a few)

also for the love of jesus christ himself dont you dare write another nya or i will cut your catgirl's ears tail and tongue off and feed them to my dog