It's raining outside, with the clouds as grey as smoke-- but only much darker. Rain fell upon my face as I laid in the soggy mud. "Shall I finish him off?" Some soldier said as his armor banged against each other while walking towards me, kneeling next to me with his sword lodged into the ground once he got close enough. "Leave him," a voice said. "Let him think about his mistakes as he breathes his last breath," again said the voice, whilst his horse and foot soldiers walked away.

A simple thought came across my mind. Left for dead... what a sh*t day this turned out to be. Laughing quietly to myself-- coughing out some blood after. I began to feel cold. No longer did I feel the warmth from my body; only the blood that flowed out of me from the wounds I had. One wound just above my collar bone, the other, a knife still in-lodged just below my rib cage.

Closing my eyes, feeling the light touch of raindrops hit my face. I begin to reminisce...

It was raining then just like it is today. I was talking to 'the boy' who had reminded me so much of myself, he could practically by my own. "The rain is so peaceful," he said while staring out the window. "When I was your age rain used to be my enemy," I responded. "My mother wouldn't let me play outside when it did." Leaning my head back, I close my eyes to listen to the rain pour. It was the most peaceful moment of my life.

A smile painted across my face thinking back on the memory. I then let out one last breath...







[AFTER READING]
Let me know what you guys think!
I'd be more than happy to turn this into a full story.

P.S: This is my first time writing a story (generally speaking)  

Pretty good dude <3  

I like it! The only thing I would say you might want to think about is having him think the last paragraph or so of dialogue, seeing as he has a knife lodged into his ribs. (Might be hard to speak as much) Or you could have him stuttering/murmuring.  

Yeah, the last paragraph definitely needs some revising, but I like the emotion the story emits. I love how the dialogue sounds, but some of the narrative sentences need rewording or restructuring.

Also, for the "Shall I finish him off" part, I think it would sound nicer if you said, "Shall I finish him off, sir? I don't know why, but I started reading it in an scottish accent, and I found that to sound more pleasant.  

Posted by KristenGW

I like it! The only thing I would say you might want to think about is having him think the last paragraph or so of dialogue, seeing as he has a knife lodged into his ribs. (Might be hard to speak as much) Or you could have him stuttering/murmuring.

The last paragraph is him reminiscing aka reliving the past. It isn't during his current position.

Posted by TWIZ

Yeah, the last paragraph definitely needs some revising, but I like the emotion the story emits. I love how the dialogue sounds, but some of the narrative sentences need rewording or restructuring.

If you're talking about after he said "I begin to reminisce" all after is him reliving the past. Apparently I didn't word it right to the point where people recognize that it is the past. I don't want people to get confused.

Any tips on what to reword/restructure?  

Posted by Storyteller

The last paragraph is him reminiscing aka reliving the past. It isn't during his current position.





If you're talking about after he said "I begin to reminisce" all after is him reliving the past. Apparently I didn't word it right to the point where people recognize that it is the past. I don't want people to get confused.



Any tips on what to reword/restructure?

Maybe just expand the sentence, because I just didn't notice the part where he said it. Honestly I should've been paying more attention lol  

Posted by Storyteller

The last paragraph is him reminiscing aka reliving the past. It isn't during his current position.



If you're talking about after he said "I begin to reminisce" all after is him reliving the past. Apparently I didn't word it right to the point where people recognize that it is the past. I don't want people to get confused.

Any tips on what to reword/restructure?

You also switched tenses in a few spots. Try sticking to just present tense. I think for the last paragraph you just need to add clarification by adding to it in certain parts.  

"I've always liked the rain, it helps me sleep." said the boy, while staring out the window as it poured down with rain. "When I was your age, I used to hate the rain. My mother wouldn't allow me to play outside when it did," saying, whilst I close my eyes and tilt my up towards the ceiling. "Now I find it the most calming thing there is to listen to..."

I've always liked the sound of the rain, it helps me to sleep.
Peering out of the window- Staring sounds too intense
'said the boy, peering out the window upon the dreary downpour. Joining him, I said:'
"When I was your age, I used to hate the rain. My mother wouldn't allow me to play outside when it did,"
Looking up towards the ceiling, I said:
"Now, I find it the most calming thing there that there is to listen to..."

I didn't fix the tensing here I had overlooked that.

Here are a few suggestions for cleaning up the final paragraph... They may not be fully correct, however I found it really difficult to read and this is how I would probably word it.  

Posted by KristenGW

Maybe just expand the sentence, because I just didn't notice the part where he said it. Honestly I should've been paying more attention lol

Posted by Nerdmaid

"I've always liked the rain, it helps me sleep." said the boy, while staring out the window as it poured down with rain. "When I was your age, I used to hate the rain. My mother wouldn't allow me to play outside when it did," saying, whilst I close my eyes and tilt my up towards the ceiling. "Now I find it the most calming thing there is to listen to..."

I've always liked the sound of the rain, it helps me to sleep.
Peering out of the window- Staring sounds too intense
'said the boy, peering out the window upon the dreary downpour. Joining him, I said:'
"When I was your age, I used to hate the rain. My mother wouldn't allow me to play outside when it did,"
Looking up towards the ceiling, I said:
"Now, I find it the most calming thing there that there is to listen to..."

I didn't fix the tensing here I had overlooked that.

Here are a few suggestions for cleaning up the final paragraph... They may not be fully correct, however I found it really difficult to read and this is how I would probably word it.

Posted by TWIZ

You also switched tenses in a few spots. Try sticking to just present tense. I think for the last paragraph you just need to add clarification by adding to it in certain parts.

I fixed all of it up, or most of it at least. It was my fault for making it hard to understand. You all should be able to understand it a lot better now. Let me know if you still have a hard time understanding.  

Nice , i love it  

This is beautiful. I would like to see this as a full story please. Really curious about what happened to the character dying.  

Thanks, really appreciate it. If enough people like it, i'll definitely make it a full thing.  

What if the boy he was talking to grew up to be the man who killed him  

Posted by Wolfie

This is beautiful. I would like to see this as a full story please. Really curious about what happened to the character dying.

he was dead.  

Posted by Pr0m4N V.14

he was dead.

Or is he?